Getting the Milk For Free?
This story from The New York Times discusses the fact that a sizable percentage of college educated men in their mid-40's aren't married.
The article sets out some of the possible reasons, but tiptoes around one of the obvious ones. The closest it gets is this paragraph:
Jeff Enos, 40, a high school graduate and a construction foreman in Kenosha, Wis., said he dated several women at a time when he was younger, but having lived through his parents’ divorce, he wants to avoid a similar fate. That is one reason he has cautioned his girlfriend, with whom he lives, not to pressure him about marriage.
Spot the key phrase? No, it's not his parents' divorce, although no doubt that can leave significant scars.
The key phrase is this: WITH WHOM HE LIVES. What reason does Jeff Enos have to get married? He's got a wife in everything but name . . . so what's the point in making a commitment?
The article sets out some of the possible reasons, but tiptoes around one of the obvious ones. The closest it gets is this paragraph:
Jeff Enos, 40, a high school graduate and a construction foreman in Kenosha, Wis., said he dated several women at a time when he was younger, but having lived through his parents’ divorce, he wants to avoid a similar fate. That is one reason he has cautioned his girlfriend, with whom he lives, not to pressure him about marriage.
Spot the key phrase? No, it's not his parents' divorce, although no doubt that can leave significant scars.
The key phrase is this: WITH WHOM HE LIVES. What reason does Jeff Enos have to get married? He's got a wife in everything but name . . . so what's the point in making a commitment?
posted by LadybugUSA at 5:03 PM
9 Comments:
When I was in High School, before most of you were born, I hung out at the local Jewish Community Center. They had a large youth program. I dateed and married a girl from that group. We've been married for 37 years.
Perhaps the commonality of bakground or that fact that we both have the same set of moral values help?????
Is it any of your business, Carol? No. Sounds like you're much too close to socialism and want everyone to become just like you, comrade.
Well there you go, colonel. In little more than three hours, skribe tossed out the statistics. He would prefer to just make an outlandish statement about wanting some wacky system of forcing others to believe as Carol, and for that matter, most of us on the right, do. It doesn't occur to him that some simply wish that all people would see the inherent harm caused by putting one's libido first. Perhaps he'd rather that everyone be as he is, instead.
Hear hear, Alan. Nothing worse than the Christosocialists trying to claim a monopoly on love and committment.
I don't disagree with Alan's description of marriage and committment, but to not take that first step, the vow, is to not take the full step. All the "joys" of marriage listed are indeed signs of committing to the relationship, but without the vow, without the legal side to it, it's far too easy to walk away. The ring and license can actually serve to make one of the parties think a little harder before entering the world of divorce litigation. But more importantly, a public pronouncement shows the prospective spouse just how serious one is and provides for accountability.
I would add that just because many divorce anyway should not be a factor in deciding what is best. We should always think in terms of the outcome we'd prefer, rather than the problems that might arise due to less than perfect individuals.
So how long have you been married, MA, and how many kids have you got?
16 yrs. 3 kids.
Carol - I wouldn't worry too much about this arrangement. A quick story.
My brother in law is in exactly the same place as this guy - 40's, living with someone, no intention of marriage, having witnessed a horrible relationship in his parents during some key years. (They almost divorced, but not quite and are happy now.)
For this guy to have gotten married to the woman would have been too much, too soon for him. If the choice is all or nothing, he might well have gone with "nothing," but then become more miserable.
This is not some swinging bachelor. I think he just wants to take it extremely slowly. He is in a position where every good thing that happens in a relationship, from his point of view, is almost without precedent.
I am a girl that dated the Jeff in the article. It sheds a bit of light on what was going on in his head. I typically do not doubt myself, but he made me feel like there wasnt something quite right with me..... now I know it was never about me. As it turns out I actually owe Jeff a big THANK YOU! I have used him as a driving force behind my success as a business owner. On the other hand NO THANKS to Jeff I am still single and now feel a little like he does, much to much to lose.
I protect my heart as much as my milk. PS... Jeff really was and i'm sure still is a good guy.
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